Time for another new chapter in my life. The students are officially done for the 2008-2009 school year. It's all over but the paperwork, and that will be done soon, too.
It does sound crazy to quit your job before you have another. And the more times I talk about it, the more uncomfortable I feel. I guess I really do still care a lot about what other people think of me. I don't want people to think I'm irresponsible.
Even if I don't find a job, I get paid through the summer, and come fall I can sub if I don't have anything else. And next month I'm moving in w/a couple friends, which will cut my rent in half. So I'm not really being terribly irresponsible (meaning, I have a plan to not wind up homeless in six months).
But the next fear is that people will think I'm lazy or self-indulgent. Teaching is very demanding, especially emotionally, and that's really the biggest factor in why I won't be doing it next year. I have other things I want to do with my life-- things like music ministry, things like dating so I can hopefully some day get married & have a family. And while I'm teaching, I really don't have the emotional energy at the end of the day or the end of the week to invest in pursuing those things.
I grew up without the mindset of taking care of my own needs. For a VARIETY of reasons deeply rooted in my childhood & early adult life, it's more comfortable for me to "serve" or "minister" than to do nice things for myself. Serving and ministering are great things, but I know something is out of whack when I am resenting the people I am supposedly trying to serve. And it's not just psycho-babble that I have to take care of my own needs if I'm going to be able to help anyone else.
I find the difficulty in trying to change that ingrained mindset is where to draw the line. When have I truly crossed over into being lazy and self-centered? I don't know. I can tell myself I need to have at least a few minutes to chill & relax every day; I can tell myself that it's better in the long run if I take time to exercise; I can tell myself that taking a day off and paying for a massage every couple months isn't something to be ashamed of. And I believe those things more than I did five years ago. But the persistent doubts still pester me. "Am I going too far?"
Here's another good one: "Am I going to miss out on my dreams b/c I spent two hours watching TV last night instead of practicing my music?" That sounds so stupid, but those thoughts do run through my head. And in my head it's not so obvious how stupid they are, so they often start to take root. Well, I see this is going to require more time to explore than I can take tonight, so I will close, with the intention of revisiting some of these ideas.
Peace.
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2 comments:
Welcome back! Glad to see you've returned to The Fun Place. :)
I'm glad that you've decided to take a break from what wears you out. This reminded me of a quote that I read recently. It is from Gordon McDonald, about William Wilberforce (Amazing Grace): “Wilberforce had discovered that the person who establishes a block of time for Sabbath rest on a regular basis is most likely to keep all of life in proper perspective and remain free from burnout and breakdown.”
Enjoy your Sabbath summer.
Thanks for your comment, DeMo! It's great to hear from you here.
I hope that the truth of that quote will be borne out in my life this summer. It's time to not just rest, but rest in Him. May He bless the time, and may I not forget its true purpose.
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